I have this problem with my wisdom teeth. My last trip to the dentist was a while back, and he said they were fine. Well, they’re not now. I keep getting gum infections because my wisdom teeth didn’t fully break through the gum. So I get bits of food stuck under the gum back there and they get infected. The infections are more annoying than anything, but I got some ointment that’s supposed to help relieve pain and promote healing.

I was standing in front of the mirror, having just smeared this gel all over my infected gums when the brilliant idea struck me that I should read the directions.

“If swallowed, seek medical help or contact a poison control center immediately.”

I looked in the mirror at my still-open mouth and this stuff (which apparently is poisonous) plastered all over my gums and thought, “Maybe this isn’t intended to be put in your mouth.”

I flipped the packaging over and checked the label, expecting it to say something like, “for use on feet only.” I’m not sure whether I was more relieved or perplexed to find the words “Oral Anesthetic.” Go figure.

I looked in the mirror and slowly closed my mouth. I tried really hard not to swallow—really, I swear….